Chap Thirty-Eight novel Minutes before sunset
The science table was ice cold against my burning cheek and thundering forehead. I hadn’t been able to sleep all night, not after what happened to me, not after Shoman left. My eyes were sore and puffy, my cheeks blotchy and red, and I knew Crystal and Robb were worried. They’d realized something was wrong the minute they saw me in class, and they hadn’t stopped trying to talk to me since I walked in the door. It’d only been two minutes, and class hadn’t even started, but I felt as if they’d been interrogating me all day. “Are you sick?” Crystal asked. I feel sick. I shook my head. “Did you get in another fight with your parents?” Robb joined in. “I hate that.” They don’t even know what I am. I shook my head again. “Did—” “Nothing happened,” I said, glaring before I realized I was doing it. They jumped, and Robb whistled low. “We didn’t mean to upset you,” he said, and I bit my lip to keep myself from yelling at the only people I had left in my social life. Shoman was gone, and he wasn’t coming back. He hadn’t even told me why, and all I wanted to do was understand.
“I’m sorry,” I managed, and Crystal leaned against my seat. “I know what will make you feel better,” she said, winking her dark eyes. “Dress shopping.” Robb groaned. “Come on, Crystal,” he said. “Not now.” “Actually,” I said, lifting my face. “I might be up for that.” Anything to distract me. Robb raised his brow. “Jess really is upset.” Crystal nodded. “I know.” “I can hear you,” I said, and Robb cracked a smile. “Just have fun tonight,” he said, standing as the warning bell rang. Students rushed in, and Crystal stood, readying to go to their table. “We will,” she said, practically bouncing around. “I’m bringing friends by the way,” Robb said. “To prom, I mean.” Crystal smacked his arm. “You promised you wouldn’t this year.” “It’s just Zac,” he said, stepping out of her arm’s reach. “And Linda.” She cocked her hip and raised her brow. “Linda?” “What?” He put his hands in front of him. “You like her.” “Says who?” she asked, and the two continued to bicker as they went to their table and sat down. I sighed and drowned them out. I did not need more drama in my life. “Hey, Jessica,” Eric said, slowly taking his seat. He was further away than usual. I stared at him. “Hey.” Clearing his throat, he pushed his backpack beneath his seat. He adjusted his headphones, took them off, and put them back on again. Then, he sighed and laid his hands on the table. What was wrong with him? “You look tired,” he said, and his green eyes flickered beneath the fluorescent lights. He did too. I shrugged. “I’d rather not talk about it.” “Why not?” “Because of your witty remarks,” I said, and his brow rose. “Boy problems?” he asked, and I tensed. How’d he know? Crystal and Robb couldn’t even tell. His lips pulled into a smile, but then it faded. “Don’t act so surprised, Jessica,” he said, unable to meet my eyes. “I’ve gotten to know you pretty well this semester.” “Not that well,” I grumbled, and he whispered beneath his breath. I couldn’t hear him, but the sinking expression on his face hinted to his thoughts. He believed he had. “You haven’t,” I said, and he leaned back. “But I can read body language,” he said, louder this time. His eyes flickered over my curling hands. “You really should be careful about that; you might give something away.” I glared. “To who? You?” “I’m not trying to upset you,” he said, repeating exactly what Robb had said moments before. Maybe I was being too sensitive. “I’m just saying that you might want to be careful. You wouldn’t want to expose yourself to people you don’t trust.”
He was lecturing me, but I’d heard the lecture before. From Shoman. I folded my arms and crossed my legs. “Don’t trust anyone, no matter how close you are to anyone.” His brow furrowed. “What makes you say that?” “My problem.” He paled, but placed his cheek on his hand. He hadn’t moved fast enough to hide his expression. “You know, Jessica,” he spoke against his palm. “I’m sure that whatever is going on between your guy and you, he has reasons for it,” he said. “It’ll work out.” “What makes you say that?” I asked, using his words against him, and his shoulders rose in a half-shrug. “Because everyone hopes for the same thing,” he said. “A happy ending.” His hand dropped, and he managed a smile. “I’m a Welborn. I know these things.” I nodded, unsure of how to respond. I wanted to argue with him, but I couldn’t. He was right. It was only hard to believe. Shoman cared about me, and I knew it. But he left me, and I didn’t know about that. I opened my mouth to respond, but the teacher walked in and shushed the class. I kept my mouth shut as she began, and Eric didn’t attempt a conversation again. Class seemed to end in a matter of minutes, and he left without a word. I lingered in my seat, watched him leave, and waited until Crystal bounced to my side. “Let’s just leave,” she said, pulling me out of the seat. “Skipping will do you some good.” I nodded. “I’m ready whenever you are.” She beamed. “Then let’s go,” she said, and I strode out with her, willing to leave the day behind me. *** The shopping went great. If you consider sheer torture great. Crystal had me trying on hundreds of dresses before I could protest. I wasn’t even able to look in the mirror. She’d judged all of them the second I’d come out of the dressing room. “No” became a word I heard so much that it lost its meaning. She’d say it, hang the dress back up, and return with another one. The process repeated for three hours until she found the one. According to her, it was perfect, but I still didn’t see it. I didn’t care enough to argue either, so I bought it, and she drove me home. I opened the front door, attempting to bolt upstairs, but my mother was in her usual place—the kitchen—and she appeared before I could make it. “How’d the shopping go, Jessie?” she asked, and I peered through the banister. “Good.” She beamed, and she flipped her blonde hair. “That’s great. Did you have fun?” I tried not to roll my eyes. “Tons.” “When can we see your dress?” she asked. My father shouted from the kitchen, “Does it cover your knees?” “Oh, shush,” my mother said, rolling her eyes. I wished I hadn’t held back. She smiled at me. “Ignore him. Are you going to try it on for us?” “On prom night,” I said, and her smile faltered. “Oh.” I sighed, gripping the banister as I stepped up a stair. “I’m really tired, Mom,” I said. “I just want to go to bed, but I’ll show you tomorrow. Okay?” She nodded, but she forced a smile that reminded me of bad Botox. “Good night, Jessie. I love you.” “Love you, too,” I said, running away as quickly as I could manage. When I got into my bedroom, I shut the door behind me and locked it, leaning against the wood for support. My legs were shaking, and I knew it was from Shoman’s medicine. It felt like it weakened everything inside of me when, in reality, it was healing me. I was only glad my outer cuts had healed. Explaining those injuries would’ve been impossible. I had to talk to Shoman again. Throwing my dress over my computer chair, I groaned and collapsed on my bed. The mattress creaked against the old frame, and I twisted around, laying my head down. Beneath my pillow, a paper crinkled, and I pulled it out. I’d left the article about my parents’ car wreck there, and now it was wrinkled. The edge was torn, and my eyes watered. The only proof I had of them was practically ruined, and I only had myself to blame. What was wrong with me? The wreck, although I’d been a part of it, hadn’t seemed real until I was flooded with emotions. I’d lost them—my beautiful family—and I’d lost Shoman and the Dark with him.
Everything I was born with was gone, even though I was still alive. It didn’t feel right. Without the only connection I had, I felt incomplete. I felt—abandoned—and I suddenly understood what Shoman meant about the Dark never accepting me. I didn’t know enough to stand on my own. I couldn’t defend myself. I had known that the second Fudicia—whoever she was—appeared in front of us, ready to kill. I’d seen the commitment of danger in her eyes. She was dark—darker than the Dark could be—yet she was in the Light. The archetypal beliefs embedded in my everyday life, in literature and movies, were flipped, and my life was altered. It’d never be the same, and my parents’ article proved it. I flipped it over and slammed it next to my pillow. I refused to look at it. Not tonight. I couldn’t stand it. They’d betrayed me, not by death, but in death. They knew I was a shade, because they had to be shades if they birthed me. Yet they hadn’t protected me with a will. They hadn’t even bothered giving me godparents, a family within the Dark. Even I realized, they had been fleeing, because we would’ve been ostracized by the Dark anyway. I would’ve never known, and they knew all along. How could they do this? I hated them. No. I didn’t understand them. But I wanted to. During shopping, I’d finally managed to mention them to Crystal. I didn’t want to, but she’d kept pestering me about my depression, and I needed an excuse. I would’ve told her eventually. Wouldn’t I? I didn’t know the answer to that, but it didn’t matter. Crystal was too young to remember anything. When they died, she was a baby, too. At most, she said she’d ask her mother, but I sort of hoped she wouldn’t and would at the same time. I couldn’t even tell what I was feeling, let alone cope with it. I flipped the article over, but I didn’t look at it. Instead, I closed my eyes and attempted to force my tears back. But I couldn’t. They came, and my chest heaved, sour and tight, until exhaustion took over, and I drifted away.
